How to Lead with Power - Without Being Labelled “Difficult” or “Too Much”
By Shannon Kate Murray, Founder & Editor of High Flying Design“She’s too cold.” “Too emotional.” “Intimidating.” “Not assertive enough.”
If you’re a high-achieving woman in leadership, you’ve probably heard at least one of those - maybe all of them.
Stepping into your power shouldn’t come with labels. Yet for female founders and women in senior roles, it often does. You walk the tightrope between being respected and being liked. Speak up, set boundaries, or take up space? There’s always the risk of being branded with one of the most weaponised words in business: a bitch.
But power isn’t the problem. It’s how society perceives female power that needs rewriting.
Here’s how to lead with clarity, presence, and conviction - without shrinking your light or hardening your heart.
The Likability Trap: What Research Reveals About Female Leadership
The tension women feel when they’re “too much” is not imagined - it’s measurable.
According to Harvard Business Review, women in leadership face a double bind:
Be assertive and you risk being labelled aggressive.
Be collaborative and you risk being seen as weak.
The 2024 Women in the Workplace report by Lean In and McKinsey confirmed it again:
For every 100 men promoted to manager, only 81 women are.
Women are nearly twice as likely to be mistaken for junior staff.
Black women face the steepest drop-off - just 54 promotions per 100 men.
And the bias deepens with age. Research from the University of California, Berkeley found that as women gain authority, they’re often judged as less likable and less hireable. The very qualities that earn men respect - ambition, confidence, authority - can trigger social penalties for women.
This isn’t just theory; it’s lived experience. And the impact is quiet but lasting.
The cost of being misunderstood
When powerful women are called “demanding,” “difficult,” or “too much,” the damage runs deeper than reputation. It affects:
Promotions and opportunities
Trust and influence within teams
Confidence, clarity, and mental health
Over time, it leads to self-editing. You tone it down. You over-explain. You hold back to avoid rocking the boat.
But here’s the truth: watering yourself down doesn’t protect your success - it dilutes it.
5 Reframes to Lead With Power (Without Apology)
1. Decisiveness Isn’t Cruelty - It’s Clarity
Making decisions and setting boundaries is part of your job, not a personality flaw.
Reframe: “She’s demanding.” → “She’s clear and efficient.”
Let your no be neutral. Kindness and accommodation are not synonyms.
2. Being Direct Isn’t Aggression - It’s Confidence
Women are often called blunt for saying what a male colleague would be praised for.
Reframe: “She’s cold.” → “She’s confident and focused.”
Speak from calm authority, not tension. Try: “Here’s what we’re doing,” instead of “Sorry, I hope this is okay?”
3. You Don’t Have to Choose Between Likability and Leadership
You can be kind and commanding. Warm and ambitious. Collaborative and direct.
That’s not contradiction - it’s strength.
Influence isn’t built on likability alone; it’s built on consistency, values, and trust over time.
4. Power Isn’t a Performance - It’s an Energy
True leadership isn’t about dominating the room. It’s about certainty.
Quiet confidence. Grounded presence.
Pause before you speak. Drop into your breath. Let your words land.
Remember: control is powerful; calm is magnetic.
5. You’re Not Here to Be Liked by Everyone. You’re Here to Lead
Leadership demands courage, especially when you challenge norms.
Not everyone will agree with you - and that’s okay.
You didn’t build your business to be palatable. You built it to be impactful.
Save this. Screenshot it. Live it.
✅ Say no without apology
✅ Speak from clarity, not tension
✅ Breathe before reacting
✅ Be values-led, not validation-led
✅ Let others feel uncomfortable - it’s not your job to fix that
You Don’t Need to Lead Like a Man. You Just Need to Lead Like You.
You don’t have to change who you are to be powerful. You don’t have to apologise for your ambition. And you don’t have to choose between softness and strength.
Because the most magnetic leaders are the ones who show up - fully, firmly, unapologetically.
So the next time you feel yourself shrinking, ask: Who benefits when I play small?
It won’t be the women watching you rise.
Leadership isn’t a personality type - it’s a presence. And when women redefine what power looks like, we don’t just change the room; we change the rules.
