Why Do Your Female Friends Not Support You as an Entrepreneur, and Why Does It Not Matter?
By Maureen Adams, Executive & Career Coach and founder of Cumulus Coaching
Have you, like many other women entrepreneurs, embarked on your business journey with excitement and purpose, only to find that those you expected to support you are mysteriously quiet?
At a recent business event, one successful business owner explained how disappointed she was that not only did her best friend not support her food brand, but even went as far as to buy from another company. She felt betrayed and not a little confused. How could her best friend not back her?
Another female entrepreneur who sells handmade customised clothes advised me that her best friend's partner ''ripped into'' her website when she was on a social visit to see them.
Aside from the initial surprise and disappointment, it can bring a temporary loss of confidence and focus. Women business owners, marketing with all their might, can't believe that as women, their female friends don't actively and support them.
The Concept of 'Habitus'
Why would your friends not support you? The most commonly cited reason is envy.
However, let's think about that more closely. Your female friends may not have had the courage or ambition to turn to self-employment and may resent or envy you for making that choice. But they also may not have had the opportunity.
They may even be held back by 'habitus,' or how people perceive and respond to the social world they inhabit in terms of their personal habits, skills, and disposition. For instance, a child growing up in a family of doctors is more likely to become one themselves; they understand the subjects to study, how to behave, and even how to discuss medical ethics over the dinner table.
Someone growing up around a family business may also be more comfortable in that environment.
By contrast, if you have stepped out of your comfort zone, or your 'habitus', that life we are born into, they may not understand why you would want to. The next question they may ask themselves is why they haven’t been able to make that change?
Then there is the societal backdrop of women having to compete-for boyfriends, grades, and jobs. In male-dominated workplaces, women who find their voice can be are often resented by those who aren’t visible, male, or female.
They’re Not Your Customer
However, let's take a business approach to this problem.
If the art of marketing is to reach those who need our services, our customers are likely to be differ from people we live with/eat with/have fun with. So, some separation between work and social life can be good, and it doesn't need to compromise your existing friendships. If you want to ‘talk shop’, you can find new friends in your entrepreneurial world who you can bounce off and share successes with.
How to Get Past the Problem
Understand their Perspective
You are redefining your future. Once you have the all-important social proof, visibility, and success, your old friends will be the first to reclaim you as their best friend. It's just a painful process before you reach that point. The best thing you can do is acknowledge and accept their perspective and choose not to let it trigger you. After all, you have your eye on the prize of success and fulfilment. You can remain a friend and let them find their way back to you.
You are Evolving
Successful people are busy people. If you are no longer always available in person and need to have brief meetups instead, then give them a chance to adjust to the new version of yourself. Talk to them about how your friendship might need to adapt to your lifestyle or your business pressures, but that you value their friendship. We all need personal as well as professional growth in our lives.
Reach Out
Women are becoming increasingly vocal about lifting each other up. Most of our friends would be horrified and genuinely upset if we shared how disappointed we felt at their lack of support. If you can talk about it, do so, but also recognise where your friend's problems and priorities lie. For them, what matters is what they're experiencing in their life. Relationships are a two-way street.
The Brave New World
Many women-owned and female-focused businesses and support groups are now springing up. We are reclaiming the particular narrative and breaking free from the social conditioning that we can't compete with men. We also don’t have to compete with each other.
As women fly high, they can lift others alongside them and be mentors for the next generation. It's a collective journey, and who knows, your friends may decide to join you in that journey one day.
